every · second · without · you · is · like · a · million · kicks · in · the · crotch.

I cleaned. You know how I don't like throwing things out. I can't even throw out a box. I like to save everything. Well, I threw stuff out. I cleaned my computer too. I deleted a whole bunch of stuff. I do this every couple of months and when I start deleting things, it means looking at them and evaluating the significance of that one thing. Then I start thinking about the past and when I started collecting all these things and what's the point in even saving some of these things when I probably won't go back to look at them.

It's unfortunate how you can spend so much time with someone and in a matter of moments and seconds, you can lose all that and go back to the way things were when we didn't know each other existed. You thought, "Wow, I'm so glad I met you. I wish we met earlier. I'm thankful to have you in my life" and then, in what seems like an instant, it's like they were never in your life. You forget the other person was there until you find something on your computer that made you remember them and you think, "Oh, I knew them at one point in my life. I loved them at one point in my life." Maybe you'll talk about them in passing, and it's strange how you can spend the most intimate moments with someone where it was only the two of you in that small quiet room and you could spend a long period of your life just like this with them and the sun is rising because you can see it coming through the blinds and it lights the whole room and they're just waking up and if only you could only wake up to see them everyday... and then we go on to live our lives as strangers again. Whatever I say, I won't change my mind. Love means not waking up one morning and having your feelings change.

And that's okay. I've always learned things the long, hard, tedious way. It may be a horrible subject to talk about and it was such a waste of time and let's all get dogs because that's better than any of this... but I wouldn't change anything. Even if it wasn't real, I thought it was and that's all that matters. And if it's a shame that I won't acknowledge your presence if I see you again then I'm sorry but I tried, love, I tried hard you keep you coming back but it couldn't happen. "I'm erasing you and I'm happy."

I seriously blog when I can't sleep.

I was thinking about my past relationships and, so far, I've been the one initiating the break ups. I was happy in all of them, but I guess we didn't like what was going with each other. I was thinking about a scene in a movie where the girl and boy have a "thing" and the girl tells the boy they're only friends and the boy yells at the girl, saying she's not the only one who gets to make these kind of decisions. Then she apologizes. Or something like that! And I've always been the one who made those kind of decisions, and they never stopped me (except one of them did a few times after a couple of days, but never right away). They never asked why. They never wanted to stay. The reason was never because I didn't like them anymore. I always had some stupid excuse and they always bought it. "We don't see each other enough", "you're so blah blah blah", "I'm too blah blah blah", etc. I'm so use to thinking it's "me" and "you" and never "we", so I guess if I wanted something I got it and I could care less about what they wanted because they would never tell me what they want! It was always defined as being a mutual breakup if we never fought to stay together. Maybe being together wasn't worth fighting for.

I haven't broken up with someone because I stopped liking them. I might have even continued to like them after the break up. Even if I told them I still had feelings for them, I don't think it would make a difference. If we really really wanted to be together, we would have stayed together. Something would have gotten us back together. We could have worked things out. Maybe I just think the thought of someone actually liking me and wanting to be with me is stupid and that there is some ulterior motive I'm not seeing yet. Who knows why I leave. All I know is I don't stay long enough for anything to get serious (and yes, seeing someone once a week for two years is not considered serious and saying "I love yous" is not serious).

So if there's anyone to blame here, it's going to be me because I'm the one who initiated the breakups. I thought about the reasons and excuses I used to break up with them and when I compared my own faults to theirs... I'm sure mine were worse, but the difference is I never got caught for my mistakes. Maybe I cared too much or maybe they didn't care enough. Whatever it is, I've probably done the same things they did to me, and then some more. So fine, it's my fault and I deserve to be a bitter and lonely cougar until I die.

Dan: And you left him, just like that?
Alice: It's the only way to leave. "I don't love you anymore. Goodbye."
Dan: Supposing you do still love them?
Alice: You don't leave.
Dan: You've never left someone you still love?
Alice: Nope.
-Closer